Question
Loading ...History
Counseling Student Must Follow Ethics Code
May 17, 2012
In December 2011, a three-judge panel of the Eleventh Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a lower court’s decision and rejected the claim of Jennifer Keeton. She believed that her First Amendment rights were violated when Augusta State University required her to treat LGBT people in a respectful and nondiscriminatory way. ...
More LGBT History
Taylor’s Journey
Susan pulls out her camera phone as a proud mommy and shows a picture of her daughter with hair braided in pigtails a la Pippi Longstockings.
Six-year old Taylor looks happy. She looks free.
It wasn’t always this way as Taylor, the youngest of four kids, was biologically born with male parts.
Now Susan and her husband have been searching Richmond and beyond to build a network of support for their daughter.
At the end of this month, Susan will take Taylor to Gender Spectrum’s Annual Family Conference in Berkeley, California. The conference is the only of its kind with support for trans children and teens.
Here in Richmond, building that network hasn’t been a quick process but Susan has found acceptance and understanding for Taylor through her family, Taylor’s school, and groups like ROSMY.
Raising Taylor
Susan and her husband have always been progressive in their parenting and supported their kids’ interests – for example their oldest son started taking dance at age three.
Susan jokes that she found “her people” when her and her husband, both Richmond natives, moved to the West Coast.
It was living on the other side of the US where Susan remembers seeing a documentary about the struggles of transgender youth with the gritty realities of children disowned by families, living on the streets, and resorting to prostitution.
“I remember thinking in that moment if I ever had a kid that was gay, bi, or trans, I would never be a parent like that,” she said. “I would accept my child.”
After the dot com burst, Susan and her husband found themselves back in Richmond’s suburbs. They hope to get closer to the city at some point.
In their household growing up, all of her children always had gender neutral toys – a play kitchen, cups, plates, cars. The kids never dressed in sporty stuff. “Sweet babyish clothes” as Susan describes, “yellows and greens.”
But it was early on, Susan noticed Taylor wanted to play with baby dolls and refused wearing traditional boy underwear.
At age three, Taylor went home with a friend and came back wearing a princess dress. She wanted to wear the princess dress everyday to school, which Susan allowed for a while.
That summer, she wanted a girls bathing suit. Susan compromised with board shorts.
“You know how girls can go totally tomboy and no one blinks an eye,” Susan said. “Everyone’s hair was raising on the back of their neck.”
It was Taylor’s second year in pre-school when she had long hair and wanted a buzz cut following her brothers’ lead. “I think she was struggling with [her gender] but didn’t know,” Susan said.
At the school, Taylor began taking girls clothes from the extra clothes bin.
“She would go pick out a jacket or sweater from the girls box,” Susan said.
When she was 4-years-old ago Taylor asked Susan not tell anyone new about her presenting as a girl. She wants to blend in and told her mother she didn’t want to have “the argument” - when someone questioned her about whether she was a boy or girl.
“She didn’t want me to discuss it the way I had been,” Susan said. “She didn’t like that. It made her uncomfortable.”
Susan said Taylor used to vomit when going to restaurants – saying she was worried about the argument. They started not using pronouns when they went out. Originally, Susan thought it was just a food allergy, but it has stopped since Taylor transitioned living fully as a girl.
“The true transition is when we used pronouns and had accepted it for ourselves,” she said.
“I’m A Girl”
A year ago in spring, Susan went to a transgender panel discussion at First Unitarian Universalist upon recommendation from friends that also attended in support.
“When I heard those stories, I realized I was missing the picture. I was supportive, but not getting it. I probably broke speeding laws going home,” she said. ”I went up to Taylor’s room and had to ask her.
“I asked her ‘are you a boy or a girl?’ She looked up at me and said she’s a girl – very matter of fact. I explained there was a difference between liking girl’s stuff than really feeling like you’re a girl on the inside. She looked up again annoyed and said ‘I’m a girl.’
“I hugged her and grabbed her and told her ‘I’m so sorry that I didn’t know sooner.’ She said, ‘it’s okay mama.’ I cried – she would not let go of me. She was hugging and kissing the next several days telling me I was the best mom in the word.”
That’s when Susan began her research and called ROSMY jumping in full force to figure out what was next. ROSMY referred Susan to a counselor that met with Susan and her husband. ”We asked if we should switch pronouns and that’s when the journey really began. He told me how harmful it would be if we didn’t make the switch.”
The counselor told Susan, “What you’re giving Taylor is what most other trans adults didn’t get – a childhood. It’s not like she’s fifteen – she hasn’t been denied those feelings and access.”
“That’s why we feel we didn’t need counseling at the time,” Susan said. ”The counselor said we’re light-years ahead. Most parents want to fix the kid.”
Because Susan and her family practice alternative medicine, she was hesitant to take Taylor to the pediatrician to get her physical before entering kindergarten. Prior to seeing the doctor, Susan presented a letter from their counselor requesting the doctor use the feminine pronoun.
“I brought the letter for my own protection thinking he might take action against me. We had seen him before and I had been afraid, but he was awesome and fabulous,” Susan said. ”He came in and even had a student with him and both had respect for her body. He used the correct pronouns the whole time, so I knew from the moment he came it, it was way different than I thought. We talked in code for hormones, changes, timing, what to look for. I left warm and at peace.”
Making that transition, Susan said she always kept herself in check. It wasn’t without questioning herself along the way. Years ago, the same friend that took Susan to the transgender panel asked if Taylor was identifying because she thinks it’s what’s mom wants.
“That’s the comment that I remembered,” she said.
That question comes up a lot to parents of transgender children. Susan reflects asking why would we want our children to be part of a group that has such a difficult life. ”No one would want to wish this on anybody,” Susan said.
She had never bought any clothing item without Taylor. “I bought it with her so she could say, this is what she wants. This is who she was,” she said.
After getting the okay from the counselor to make the pronoun shift, that’s when Susan went shopping for the first time without her daughter. “That was a big deal, really in my acceptance and transition.”
“I let her take the boys clothes out of her drawers – she said, ‘I don’t need these anymore.’”
Taylor had a fashion show and loved every single item according to her mother.
“We watched her blossom over the summer,” Susan said. ”She was way more girly – she got prissier.”
“She was free – she sang all the time. She giggled all the time. The throwing up stopped. It all changed. It was a breath of fresh air. We redecorated the room. Her neutral room became more girly. It was really exciting.”
“It was hard not knowing, but when you’re around her, you know it’s the right thing. No question.”
Finding Support
“It’s easier now that we understand what Taylor was going through,” Susan said.
It took three weeks for the entire family to be on board. ”My husband needed to hear it from her,” she said. ”When he got home one day, she ran out and grabbed his face and said I want to be your little girl,” Susan said. ”That’s all he needed – he’s been golden since.”
Taylor also spoke with her siblings and they were all supportive. ”They’ve never used the gender card against her when they’re ticked,” Susan said of her children. ”Deep down, they get it. I know my two older ones worry about her. Some other kids are worried about the pronoun change – that’s the hardest for people.”
Susan’s father also struggled with the idea, but has been supportive. ”He switched pronouns before I did, so that says a lot about my super-conservative father,” she said.
Taylor’s grandfather even booked an appointment with the counselor, but still worries about the future – relationships and puberty. “He’s afraid for her,” Susan says
Susan has explained to her daughter that she has to be patient with her body and accept it and take care of it. Surgery is only an option for adults in the United States. As for puberty, hormone blockers and treatments are available and a big decision the family will have to make. For now, Susan is taking it one day at a time and doing her best to make sure Taylor enjoys her childhood.
Susan said she hasn’t been able to find any other parents – although she suspects some of the children in her pre-school may have girls that feel like boys, but their parents don’t know. She says she’s had other parents ask questions. The pre-school community is filled with like-minded, home birth and nursing moms, that have been supportive in multiple ways according to Susan.
“I don’t plan to do public school – I’ve been advised not to,” she said. ”I also was an educator. I love what this school is doing. We had to do financial aid, but we put their education first.”
The school required the family to establish a working relationship with a counselor so they would have someone to go to if something came up. They couldn’t find anyone in Richmond that had worked with a transgender child, but a specialist who has worked with transgender adults assessed Taylor three times through observation and play therapy.
When back in session this past January, the school called ROSMY to coordinated two sessions with the counselor to discuss transgender issues with staff, faculty, and teachers. While ROSMY has been a resource to get Susan started on this journey, the organization only offers support groups for ages 14 and up.
Susan is open to leading a support group for anyone in the area with gender-variant children.
“It starts before birth – when you find out what they have between their legs, we start forming them. That’s what comes naturally, but we really need to change our thinking about our children. We really need to be accepting to let everyone be how they want to be. Realize that it’s not a reflection on us – that’s my fear as a parent. People worry about how it’s going to affect them.
“I want people to understand it hasn’t been a struggle to support my child in this way,” Susan said. ”The struggle is with everyone else’s understanding.”
When Susan flies to California she hopes to meet other families going through this and for Taylor to develop relationships with other kids. Next year, she hopes to be able to bring Taylor’s other siblings so the whole family can benefit meeting others.
“I can get the information anywhere, but it’s the connection,” she says.
An online giving box has been setup here to help fund their trip.
“There’s nothing you can do to cause this, nothing you can do to change this. It is what it is,” Susan said. ”It’s about supporting your child and having them grow up happy healthy, and fulfilled.”
- Alexandria Attorney Joins Trans Inmate’s Legal Fight, April 24, 2012
- He, She, Ze and We, April 23, 2012
- Trans Woman Fights to Improve DMV Policies, April 12, 2012
9 Comments
I noticed that something funny about this article. Well, several things. But first of all: when Susan was asked if she thought it was possible that Taylor was identifying himself as female because the young boy sensed that his mother secretly wanted a girl, she actually dodged the question by saying that no parent would wish the life of a transgendered person on their children. This is very true but it doesn’t answer the question. If I asked a suspected killer if he was guilty and he replied, “Murder is wrong,” then I could agree with him but I still wouldn’t have an answer to my question. My point is: people often avoid admitting things that they are ashamed of by changing the subject when asked about it. I have to wonder if Susan dodged this question, perhaps even unconsciously, because she can not comfortably say, “No. I am confident that I have no secret desire for a daughter which my son may have picked up on.” Along with the fact that Susan admits to being adamantly pro-gay since long before having children, it makes me wonder if this whole thing is being encouraged in a way that may be harmful to this little boy.
Actually, there is a lot more than that in this article which makes me think that maybe this mom is taking things too far. Being homosexual myself, I find it slightly uncomfortable to say that maybe someone who thinks that they are transgendered is wrong. But in this case, I have to make an exception. I mean, this is a FOUR YEAR OLD we are talking about, not an adult who has had time to interact with both sexes and make an informed decision about his sexual identity. Speaking as a practicing Psychiatrist, children go through phases and experiment with different things to find what fits them. If a little boy wants to dress up as a little girl then maybe this child will be gay or transgendered when he grows up but the alternative is much more likely.
I say this because nearly half of all children act have some kind of gender-bending episode but only one tenth of our adult population is homosexual. Therefore, about ninety percent of children who go through these kinds of phases actually end up being heterosexual as adults. Regardless, situations like this should not be treated like a big deal simply because they are not a big deal. It is a normal part of development for many these children. It is far more common to make the mistake of telling a little boy that he can not have things meant for a little girl. Just because this mother is doing the exact opposite does not mean she is not also making a mistake. I think she’s gone too far the other way. If a child is so upset that it vomits when it is just trying to play it’s favorite game then this is a very different problem, which is that someone has obviously told this child that it is shameful to play dress up. That has nothing to do with being gay, straight or transgendered.
In general, I’m just very surprised by the reactions of everyone involved in this. Doesn’t anyone think it is little bit extreme for Grandpa to be seeing a counselor in order to cope with a decision made by a four year old that he thinks is going to last the clear through to adulthood? I’ve never heard of a four year old who accurately predicted what they would want to be when they grew up and yet here we have several adults who are going far beyond that to trust that this child has also discovered the future of his sexual orientation. It’s a good thing Taylor didn’t tell mommy he wanted to be an astronaut or else this kid would be floating around on the moon right now.
Maybe going to a counselor wasn’t the best idea. Of the different types of professionals that one might see for this type of problem, a counselor has the least amount of training and education. I think that if Susan sought out an actual Psychologist or Psychiatrist she may find a better solution that would be much easier for everyone involved. I personally find it hard to believe that any counselor felt it was appropriate to start calling this little boy a girl in the first place. And they’re also keeping this child out of public school? Without interacting with peers his own age, I worry that young Taylor is only bound to become painfully awkward which certainly will not help his gender situation. It’s almost as if this family is conspiring to make sure that this child has the most unusual childhood in recorded history. I can understand the instinct to protect one’s children but too much shelter from the outside world, especially while you are encouraging such an unusual childhood experience, is a recipe for disastrous social maladjustment.
Noah, I think you make some fair points. I know this family very well. Yes, every kid goes through phases. There was one kid at our preschool who dressed like Batman for a whole year! But then he stopped. He got over it. Taylor never got over it. Most gay people I know will say they knew from a young age, ALL the transgender people I know say they knew from a young age.
Moreover, this family is not making any decisions that cannot be reversed. Unless and until they decide to do hormone treatment at puberty, which is many years off, nothing is permanent, and if Taylor changes her mind, she can go back to male pronouns. (Taylor is a gender neutral name so she doesn’t need to change that). Not ideal to change gender in childhood, for sure. But I would bet my house that this kid is trandsgender and will stay that way.
I am telling you, if you met this child even once, much less had a prolonged relationship with her, you would get it. It’s really hard to get that across in an article.
Susan and her family have wrestled and wrestled with this. I think we have to give them credit that they know their child better than we do.
What are the alternatives? Tell a child who says they feel like a girl that they can’t wear girl clothes and can’t be called she? Deal with a kid who has anxious vomiting and other issues when forced to live as a boy?
This is an incredibly diffoicult situation for any family because it is NOT the same as a kid who feels gay or a kid that feels like an astronaut, as you said in your example. This is a kid’s core identity.
To paraphrase the immortal words of Lady Gaga, “baby, she was born this way.”
Hi, Noah,
Please remember that gender identity is separate from sexual orientation. Taylor identifies as a girl; the article makes no mention of her sexual orientation, which indeed may not become clear until puberty or beyond.
In all honesty and without any intent to attack or shame you, your comment comes across as ignorant of trans issues, which quite often do come up in childhood. If you don’t know more, there’s some really, really good information out there. I encourage you to read, watch and engage with that information–especially since you’re a practicing psychiatrist. And if you ARE savvy about trans issues, consider looking back at your comment and reflecting on why that knowledge/experience might not be coming across in your language, word choice (“transgendered” and “it” as a gender-neutral pronoun), etc.
Cheers,
Beck
Also, isn’t a counselor a GREAT choice to see when you need advice on dealing with largely external problems (society, relationships), rather than focused help on fixing more internal problems (chemical imbalances, counterproductive/negative ways of thinking, compulsion, “inappropriate” or overly strong/weak emotions, etc)? Perhaps I’m just ignorant regarding the differences between counseling, psychology and psychiatry. Certainly possible, since I (unlike Noah) don’t work in this field. Or maybe Noah and I just view the issues around gender identity and sexual orientation differently.
I was also under the impression that most “mental health problems” are only actual problems when they interfere with daily life/functioning… for example, causing social avoidance and vomiting. If Taylor is functioning well as a girl, why would a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist try to fix something that ain’t broke? Taylor has a solution that seems to work for now–avoid the nervousness about challenges to her gender presentation and identity by living fully as a girl. (Granted, in the USA, I believe a trans person does usually have to visit a mental healthcare professional for approval before medical doctors will complete, say, sex reassignment surgery. I’m not certain what the current legal requirements are for hormone therapy but suspect it varies by state.)
Also…Noah: If I were a counselor, there’s a good chance I’d be offended that you capitalized psychologist and psychiatrist but not counselor. Even if the training/educational requirements are different, they’re still all professionals. I’m not sure whether the difference in capitalization was conscious/deliberate or not, but there’s some more food for thought….
I find Noah’s post somewhat disturbing. He doesn’t seem to understand or acknowledge the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. And, while I expect this confusion from the general public, I am surprised (and disheartened) to find that the confusion still persists in the LGBT community. Noah repeatedly refers to homosexuality in his post. However, nowhere in this article (or in Taylor’s life) is sexuality at issue. This is a child. No one is suggesting that a child can understand his or her sexuality. However, surely Noah wouldn’t deny that even a child (and sometimes particularly a child) can be aware of his or her gender identity. Noah’s insistence on referring to Taylor as “this little boy” instead of this child (or even better, this little girl) is simply disrespectful. This is a child who has clearly asked to be identified as a girl (not as an astronaut or some other equally inappropriate analogy).
I have known Taylor since she was 2. In fact, it was my daughter’s princess dress that Taylor begged to borrow all those years ago. This child has always been as feminine (and more so) than either of my daughters. That is not something that has been wished upon this child. She simply is who she is (and she is wonderful). My daughter proudly announces that her dear friend, Taylor, “has always been a girl”. It makes perfect sense to a child who knows Taylor. We, as adults simply took a little longer to get it. As for Noah’s suggestion that this is simply a normal childhood gender-bending experiment, I beg to disagree. The parents in this story are well-educated, enlightened and fabulously caring. After raising 3 other children, I assure you they know the difference between a normal gender experimenting phase and something quite different.
Although Taylor may have struggles before her, with parents this understanding and accepting, Taylor just may be the luckiest little girl around.
I am over the moon that a family would take the important steps to support and take this journey with Taylor. It’s important, regardless of whatever the outcome, that she has the opportunity to fully explore the possibilities.
To naysayers, I would point out that Taylor is doing this exploring in a non-permanent way. I agree with what Noah on this point: Kids tastes often run in phases. In the even that this happens to be a phase, changing pronouns, style of dress, her environment, her behavior, etc., it’s all easily changed (compared to undoing hormonal therapy or surgery.) If this isn’t a phase, then bless them all, she’s in a fantastic position to live the life she wants from early on.
This is a great piece. Thanks to the family for being willing to share a part of themselves with us.
I am not one to argue but I would like to elaborate up a few points I originally made.
First, as a homosexual I am fully aware of the differences between transgendered persons and homosexuals. I hate to think that in my hastiness in writing my original comments I may have blurred the lines. I did included some of what you could call rough statistics about homosexuality (rather than transgendered persons) to make a point. I did this for readability; it is easier for most people to comprehend that one in ten adults is homosexual than that less than one in thirty thousand adults is transgendered. People just have a harder time visualizing smaller fractions. In fact, any given child’s chances of being transgendered in adulthood are much more slim than I felt the need to demonstrate. In terms of numbers, any child is as likely to be transgendered as a coin tossed in the air is likely to land balanced on it’s edge.
Finally, I just wish to reiterate that my only concern in this situation is that things have gone too far. Certainly we should not discourage little boys from wearing dresses if they want to. But when we reach the point of parading our children through conventions for transgendered people and sending his grandparents to counseling, we have given this child the idea that being transgendered is much more likely for them than it is.
In fact, if Taylor does turn out to be a normal (not to offend: I use the term “normal” because LGBTs, myself included, make up a very small portion of the population) straight adult I think it will be very hard for him to come to terms with the idea that it is okay NOT to be transgendered after all this fanfare. That is the real concern here. We do not want to influence this child into thinking that it is better to be transgendered than not to be. It is difficult, with all the hard facts presented here about conventions and counseling, to think that this young boy is being led to have a healthy attitude about the transgendered lifestyle.
I’m backing out of this conversation, because at this point my reaction is likely not very productive–it’s headed to sarcasm:
God forbid any of our children (cisgender, transgender, gay, straight or any shade of queer) have a healthy attitude about the “transgendered lifestyle.”
I am seriously disturbed to hear a psychiatrist worry about parents encouraging children to have healthy attitudes.
The article and comments from people who know this family make clear that Taylor is not being led into anything. The parents didn’t even do something like swoop down on Taylor and say, “Oh, you like dresses? Obviously you’re a girl.” Instead, they allowed Taylor to play with gender conventions at will until it struck Susan to ask, “Hey, Taylor, are you a boy or a girl?” (let’s not get into life outside the binary…) Taylor was very clear about being a girl. That Noah continues to disregard her wishes is, as Katherine said, disrespectful–whether it’s because Noah disrespects any 4-year-old’s identity claims or just this one’s.
I’m not sure statistics are productive–and I seriously doubt the accuracy of existing stats–for this topic.
Anyway, all of these discussion is really rather sad, not only because it’s a disheartening conversation that happens all the time within society at large and, still, various LGB communities (T deliberately excluded), but also because these comments are distracting us from recognizing what should be a very positive, hopeful piece about our future, and certainly Taylor’s future. It’s clear that she has a good support system and freedom to explore her identity without being boxed into any category unless she chooses.
I met Susan, Taylor’s mother, recently and heard much of this story. I was very moved then and still moved as I read more. She and her husband are clearly people who are extraordinarily open and caring parents. I am, of course, not a trained clinician, but I am a trained and ever-growing spiritual person and leader, and I sense a deep spiritual journey going on here–for Taylor and her family and friends.
Obviously, Taylor is young, and her journey may take any number of twists and turns over the years. What a gift that she has adults and siblings willing to share her journey–not just the one they and society have for her–but her journey wherever it may go (this is a central theme I picked up in both my conversation with Susan and in the article on GayRVA). This is all too rare, and also it is difficult, when so many in society are quick to judge and criticize. I do have one very strong reaction to the clinician who wrote, who persisted in the offensive practice of not accepting the pronoun used by both Taylor and her mother. This is such a rude violation of human dignity.