Massachusetts Celebrates 10 years of Same-sex Marriage, No Sign of God’s Spiteful Hand

Tim Wellington
November 18, 2013

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Read More: Massachusetts, Op/Ed, Same-Sex Marriage, satire

Image: What social conservatives thought would happen to the Eastern Seaboard after many states legalized same-sex marriage

The following is a piece of satire intended to entertain, and has little bearing on reality – all quotes and “facts” listed are made up for comedic purpose, and are as valuable as the paper this article is printed on.

In a move that has shocked conservatives around the country, Massachusetts is still a viable state 10 years after legalizing same-sex marriage.

While God and the Devil have yet to make official statements, the lack of Boston being a smoldering crater of the Divine Creator’s wrath suggests there is little more in store for the LGBTQ-friendly law and the people who approved it.

“We had been waiting for a call to spring into action,” said a D. Olphin, a representative for the Atlantic Ocean. “But 10 years in, and there is no plan to swallow up the state of Massachusetts.” Olphin then politely asked for some fish before swimming back to his corporate headquarters at the bottom of the sea.

Mount St Helens, one of the last active volcanoes in the continental U.S., was also reached for comment. “Trust me, I’m the second least tolerant mass of hot gas in existence, ” said the volcano, pointing to a picture of Rush Limbaugh with a gold #1 sticker on it. Helens last erupted back in 1980 and is still considered a destructive force. “But I only erupt when instructed by Gaia, our Earth Mother, and so far she’s been pretty mum on the whole situation.”

Mary Bonauto, civil rights project director at Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD), was part of the fight to first bring marriage equality to Mass. She told the AP, “With more same-sex marriages, you saw more people changing their minds… Seeing gay people with their extended families, seeing the commitment, that’s what has turned this around.”

Bonauto then added, “Sorry to disappoint you, religious extremists,” stuck out her tongue and held up a “thumbs down” gesture with her right hand.

Mass.’s same-sex marriage law was put into effect November 18th, 2003, by a Supreme Judicial Court ruling. Anti-marriage equality advocates called it a sign of the end times, but it seems the only thing it really showed signs of was the start of something better in America.

Most of the midwest, considered a conservative bastion where same-sex marriage will be legalized last, was unavailable for comment after a rash of tornadoes left many without homes or power.

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Tim is a writer, video game nerd, and music fan. You'll see him at shows, or you wont really see him at all.