Making A List. Checking It Twice.
As human beings, we are organizers. We organize ourselves into societies, families, and social groups. We order and categorize the things around us into manageable groups: soft and hard, friend and foe, likes and dislikes. Occasionally, we are more subtle – we prioritize. We order things in timelines, returns on investment, and what makes our hearts feel good. Organizing is what makes us who we are.
Lists are a way many of us organize our lives. When we pack for a trip or manage our day, often we put things in order, and get to checkin.’ But lets be honest, we list other things too. That’s right, I’m talking about people. Google+ gives us an excellent example of how much this type of list making means to us. The whole basis of Google+ is predicated on how we order the people in our lives. As sexual people, we will inevitably wind up organizing people in a way that relates to our desire for a good bangin.’
Whether we are in a committed relationship or not, we are constantly looking around at the people we know, or don’t know, and are considering their partner potential. Don’t get me wrong now, I’m not saying your boyfriend is constantly looking for a replacement for you. I mean, he might be, but lets just assume he isn’t. The point to be made here is that at some level of our psyche we are animals seeking sexual partners. We’re seeking mates who will protect, nurture, and bang the shit out of us. The thing we need to realize is that it’s okay!
Once we acknowledge our list making habits when it comes to potential partners, it is a question of what we then do with that information. We, at Booty Jams, have considered this question and advise a couple of considerations.
First off, consider who’s making the cut.
Though we are constantly categorizing those we see and interact with, it is essential to evaluate on what basis we are making our decisions. Surely we consider potential partners on levels of attractiveness, but what else might inform the placement of someone on our lists?
Do you tend to list people that remind you of an old partner? Do you make a mental note of every asshole, rich girl, or ‘artist’ because of some old hang up or unrequited love? Taking a moment to see why you’re listing who is an important consideration. Not only does this allow you to take note of your list making processes, but also it allows you to filter out the non-essentials. Someone you initially added to a potentials list who, in fact, is only listed because of their likeness to that boy who stood you up in high school might necessitate some revision.
Secondly, consider your situation.
The actual list keeping process looks about the same for most folks. You check people out, talk about guys with your friends, or visit them privately in the comfort of your shower. When you’re single all these methods of taking mental note of potential partners is pretty harmless. You don’t want to be gross, but over all you can list away at all hours, and as freely as you wish.
It is when we begin to have committed partners that this conversation takes a turn for the uncomfortable. There will be some of you out there who believe it to be a punishable offense to even think of listing when you have a consistent partner. And certainly, if you are actively looking for a new boo when you are expressively committed, perhaps you should reconsider said commitment. Yet, the listing process can still exist, and remain nonthreatening.
At this point a list takes on a more innocent role. Think of listing crushes. You have a work crush, a bartender crush, or perhaps a harmless gym crush. These are people you are glad to have in your life, people who break up the monotony, but with whom you have no desire to jump unthinkingly into bed with. Be glad for this list of fun crushes.
They challenge just enough to remind us of what we have, but fall short of threatening anyone at home.
Additionally, remain self aware. The process of making mental notations of possible make-out buddies, though not logged in your moleskine, does actually have a kind of physical weight. Think about the last time you checked someone out. Your whole body moves towards that person, whether you notice or not, you orient yourself AT that person, and by doing so create an active list making process. Similarly, when we talk about potentials we change our pitch, and often get all excitable and sweaty. These indicators might not be obvious to you, but trust, your partner is well aware. Be respectful, and keep your noticeable list making for shower time.
We’ve got to be honest with ourselves – listing happens. Whether you’re casually seeing someone or you have something more, you can’t expect to be sexually blind to the rest of the world. It is about considering your list making process, and maintaining a level of respect for yourself and anyone involved. For the jealous among you, this is harder than it sounds, but if you at least acknowledge the process, you’re one step closer to learning to trust it.
There’s no wonder Saint Nick needs to check that thing twice, if it’s anything like our lists it takes a bit of thinking to keep things together.
My sweetheart and I don’t pay much attention to roles in our marriage.February 15, 2016
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