Make It A Youthful Summer
Has anyone else noticed how damn hot it is?! Summer is creepin’ quick. Time for shady porch hangs, greyhounds with a twist of lime, and night after night of actin’ like a hot mess. The summer demands nakedness, and good times; drunken makeouts and road trips out of town. The growing warmth of the globe itself commands us to live it up while we can, and make the most of every 90 degree afternoon.
It is in this brilliant humidity, and splendid sunshine that Booty Jams Podcast presents our guide to summer lovin’ and havin’ a blast. The cold will be back again before we know it, so best to fill our current days with memories that will warm our loins and bring smiles to our lips; best to make this a summer to remember.
In our first installment of this series we recommend your road to summer lovin’ be paved with the bodies of the young.
No summer is complete without a fun partner with which to make the beast with two backs, but we must first consider the proper companion for such an arrangement. No doubt we want someone fun, easy going, and sexually compatible; and of course we want ourselves a drama free summer with little commitment. But how can we find such a partner, someone who won’t be a bane on our existence, and yet still gives us what we want? Oh, that’s right, young people!
In case you were wondering, young people don’t give a f***. They’re always down for a good time, and, let’s be honest, they’re never down for commitment. Young folks were made for summer lovin’!
Now first things first, never sleep with children. Eighteen and up is a must, and for some of you old ass creepazoids 18 is pushin’ it. To keep things kosher Booty Jams recommends a few respectful young love guidelines.
For those of you between the ages of 19 and, say, 24 your best bet is to choose a partner just one or two years younger. At this age one year makes a lot(!) of difference. It could be the difference between high school and college, college and the real world, or the difference between having had only 5 sexual partners compared to your current 25. The vicarious time travel achieved by just a year or twos difference reassures you of how far you’ve come as an individual, and reminds you again of why you no longer snort adderall. It really is a breath of fresh air.
While a small gap is great at this younger age, after 25 you begin to need a little more to get that summer engine revin.’ From 25 on a proper 4 to 5 year gap does a body good. In this case it’s not the thrill of vicariously reliving last years excitements, but more an emotional escape to your more carefree past.
As you begin to enter your later twenties the weight of the world starts to come in heavy. Not only do you have more bills than you imagined possible, but your relationships too have changed dramatically. Somehow there are so many more concerns when you start dating. The things she says begin to take on a tone that not only bore you, but challenge your very self worth.
“Buy me a drink.” “What do you mean you don’t have a car?” “Where were you last night?” “I think you’ve had enough!”
The emotional toll is crushing. When did dating become an exercise in constantly defending yourself? To escape these trappings of your budding adulthood, take a summer off, and bang a 20 year old. It’ll be music to your ears, promise.
“This time let’s buy flavored lube!” “Ooooo I’ve never tried that before!” “Let’s go to South of the Border!”
Notice the exclamation points? Young people throw those things around like mardi gras beads.
Now before you run off and hit on the next high school graduate you see there’s a few rules you must follow to get the most out of these next couple of months.
First of all, you gotta state your intentions. Just because someone is younger than you doesn’t give you free range to be an asshole. Younger folks can handle the truth as well, and are more relieved to hear it than you may imagine. Let ‘em know how you intend to spend your summer. Odds are they’re gonna be down for something casual too. In a lot of cases they’ll be super focused on this conversation, not to worry, folks are on addies all the time these days! Just let it ride and say what you need to say. Stay communicative and it’ll be a guaranteed win this summer.
Secondly, always protect protect protect! You don’t want a summer love fest to turn into some sort of antibiotic ridden nightmare, what with all the syphilis sores and chlamydia pee burning. Make the summer light, and the protection heavy, and you’re on your way to brilliant memories.
Lastly, but certainly not leastly, don’t take everything so damn seriously like you always do! It’s too hot to get upset about how late she is all the time, or annoyed at how she’s constantly saying she just wants to live ‘free!’ Enjoy the fun of the thing. I mean, young people still wear sequins in the day time! They’ve never even been to a business meeting, and they are absurdly optimistic! Just relax, revel in the amazing sex, and in the fall date someone your own age, because, let’s be honest, young people are kinda dumb. Swag.
We set our straight guy on the street with a Grindr profile. Part II of what he learns here.February 3, 2012
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