We at Booty Jams Podcast are tolerant people. We would like to think of ourselves as some of the most open, communicative, inclusive people in the world. We are interested in the furthest extents of freedom for everyone! We are free from hate, judgment, and persecution. This is the case when it comes to most everyone, except, well, those that we, you know, hate. And yes we’re talking about our ex’s, and man do we hate our ex’s!
We hope our facetiousness does not escape you, but lets be honest some times you can down right hate your ex. We’ve been there before, and it appears some of our listeners have as well. Recently, we received an email addressing this issue, and we thought we’d take this opportunity to share our reflections on those feelings of anger, hurt, and even hatred that our old partners can leave us nursing for years. Can these feelings be vanquished completely? Can we ever move past our old wounds inflicted on a younger self, perhaps a weaker self? Can we really get over it all? Perhaps not, but like we said, we’re trying to be the best over here, and perhaps like a post crack Charlie Sheen we can win win win!
Our approach is a four parter:
The ways we control our feelings, emotions, and behaviors can differ with boundless variation. The best can at every turn choose the path of reason, consider their feelings as they manifest, evaluate them, and proceed with confidence and an even temper. Many of us flail wildly never knowing where to go or what to do, swayed by our experiences like an unruly child. Most of us, however, have some smattering of these two extremes, we feel the flurry of emotion, see reason in the distance, and struggle, albeit often unsuccessfully, to reach that shiny goal.
When it comes to hatred for an ex using hate can be a great tool for control. Regardless of what severed your bond with your past partner, be it one major event or a series of quiet stabs that left a gaping wound, we can use our most powerful emotions to effectively extract ourselves from the more painful parts of the experience. Hate gives us a level of control over how much we let that lying f##k back into our lives. Hate can be the iron clad wall that scatters the onslaught of criticisms that once nearly swallowed us whole. It can be a friend, and a companion. Hate often seems the most reasonable option in the chaos of hurt feelings.
It is with time, however, that we realize that we’ve bedded yet another enemy. The hatred that was at one point such an effective friend, soon becomes a disease that can do more damage than it prevents. So what then? Unfortunately, we’ve noticed that at this point we have to admit a certain amount of vulnerability.
Dismantling our walls of hate is not done quickly. It takes time and patience to wade through the process of removing our barriers and allowing ourselves to be open to what painful winds might blow. Our intense feelings of hatred however, mask the fact that we are still vulnerable to the affect our ex has on us, and perhaps some of that hate is actually a frustration with ourselves that we let someone close enough to have such a drastic effect with such painful consequences.
When we begin to examine this vulnerability we have to admit to ourselves that we not only allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to the negative affects of our past relationship, but that what convinced us to be open had its initial root in something positive; that why we care enough to hate now, had its origins in something for which we cared deeply.
In the simplest terms we have to be vulnerable to the fact that we had a role in the intensely negative feelings that we are experiencing, and by righting ourselves with that fact it is possible to take the power back from someone who still has so much sway over your heart.
It would seem that some where in the course of growing up most of us learned that we can change other people. Perhaps you observed the crafty ways of an expert manipulator and saw the potential for the affect one person can have over another, perhaps a relentless media showed us that we can change our partners behavior by display of example or through our sweet sweet love. Perhaps we noticed our affect when she started listening to the same music you did, or chose to wear the clothes you preferred. However, the truth of the thing is that you can’t change who a person is, and you can’t hold a person responsible for your most vulnerable of feelings, less you relinquish control over your very self. When we engage in partnerships we often put our hearts in the palms of another, and trust them with its care. It is often when that care is replaced with mistreatment that we are hurt beyond belief, and hate is the result. Now, of course, in cases of coercion and physical manipulation we cannot put the blame on ourselves, but when we have the opportunity to choose, we must take responsibility for the choices we make. Sometimes we must admit that our choices were perhaps chosen poorly.
So if we break down the walls, admit vulnerability, and acknowledge our responsibility in what we experience, what the hell do we do with all that crap?
The only option is a decisive reflection and a conscious effort towards action. No, we’re not talking about slitting her tires, or a hate bang. We must reflect on what put us in that situation to begin with. Maybe you never communicated that you weren’t over that first time she cheated. Perhaps you thought he knew how hurt you were about that thing he said, but you never really spoke up. Maybe you resented her presence all along, but were too scared to be alone. Regardless of the reasons, you have no choice but to reflect and take the opportunity to better yourself, hating can only take you so far on the path to proper repair.
We at Booty Jams Podcast are, of course, no experts, but believe that we’ve been through it, and with time you have to come up with a method to move the f##k on and get the f##k over it! Maybe we’re not right about everything, but if you don’t try something you’re bound to lose out in the end.
Check out our full conversation on ex hate in Episode 47.
My sweetheart and I don’t pay much attention to roles in our marriage.February 15, 2016
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