“Dear Nick, I’m sorry. I miss you…” A Letter to My Former Self Post-Transition

GayRVA Staff
December 5, 2012

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Read More: MtF, Trans, transition

We stumbled across this post on Reddit – a letter from a transgender woman to her former male self. Cynthia Ardman, 23 and living in Baltimore, MD, wrote this powerful message as a way to connect to her old self. “I knew who I was in a lot of ways,” said Ardman in an email. “I knew how to handle the world and how to work with it and how to get what I needed… Since transitioning life has gotten a lot more scary, its hard re-learning everything and realizing how far you had come before.”

Copy of the letter:

Dear Nick,

I’m sorry. I miss you. I still think about you every day. I think about who you could have been, who you could have loved had I not forced my way in.
I know you were really excited about what the future held, and I know you were excited on going on that grand adventure that we’ve both been wanting for so long.

Am I that grand adventure? Was it worth it? I have no idea honestly hun. I know you thought that if you just left and let me take over that I could make us both happy,
its hard out here nick, I had no idea what you had gone through to be who you were. I thought that I could just take your knowledge and experience and I’d be fine.

I was wrong dude. I was so wrong. and I fought so hard to get out and I pained you so much and I’m so sorry. you were so strong and I’m so glad you get to rest now, but I’m having
a hard time out here. I just hope I’m as strong as you are. I know you’re still there for me. I can feel you showing your head every now and then, when we’re alone watching TV
or when we’re just staring at the ceiling we have our little talks, and I always tell you how amazing I’m doing. But this year has been tough, and i know what you’d say,
“Don’t give up, it will get better, I promise.” and you know, part of me really wants to believe you, but this body is so hard to get used to as well. It’s not the body I always thought
I’d have, its different, but I really can’t even express how happy I am that you gave it to me. I’m slowly making it my own.

Haha I think you’d be really horribly embarrassed to see the things I’ve done to it, you know I have my ears pierced? Haha well you wanted to do that anyway, but I wear dresses, in public!
and I have a girl’s voice now! Thank god for that. But I know you’d never talk if you had a girl voice back in the day.

You know, I still feel terrible, I put you through so much, make you worry and be sad and hate yourself, and you know what? you shouldn’t hate yourself, you are awesome, no, you’re amazing, and I love
every last inch of you, from you stomach (which I still hate by the way) to your hair to your beard, I love every inch of you.

I know for a few months we shared this body on and off and that was a bunch of fun, but you deserve your rest now, you’ve been through so much and done so much for me and others.
Including giving me your entire life and trusting me with it, and honestly that is the best gift anyone has ever given me, you’ve released me from the cage.

I promise that I won’t make you leave, I promise you’ll be able to watch my life unfold and that you’ll still be able to see your friends and your parents, because deep down, I know how much you love all of them.
and don’t worry, I will let them know how much you love them, and they’ll finally be able to see that love you were always scared to show.

All those fears and worries you had, all that hate you had bottled up inside….its all gone now, you can rest. I’ll take over from here, and I promise I’ll give you a good show to watch while you rest.

I love you,

Your sister,

Cyn.

Ardman was born in Maine. She dropped out of high school at 17 but got her G.E.D a few months later. She lives with her boyfriend Dexter, who is also transgender(FtM). She works from home for a computer repair company, Support.com.

*edited for pronoun clarification and link added

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