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Taboo Toy Review: toy monogamy sucks

Alison Barber Of Taboo | September 1, 2015

Forget for a moment that I name my dildos, take my vibrators on dates, invite them to slumber parties, and occasionally attempt to drown them. Or don’t. Maybe that warrants some attention.

It’s true that I play favorites, but one thing you’ll never see me do is enter into a monogamous relationship with a toy. The closest I’ve gotten is that time I threatened to propose marriage to a manufacturer, but a few days later I was fucking his friend.

Like everyone, I’ve found myself caught up with a really special dude. Even with a chest full of pleasure products, there was a time when I always had a go-to toy. Ours was an unspoken but implied commitment. Sure, we’d bring friends into the mix every now and then, but the fidelity was there.

The thing about monogamous relationships with people is that they lose some of their excitement. That’s fine, because your relationship evolves and you grow closer in other ways. The problem with monogamous relationships with toys is that all you have is excitement. Excitement is the literal definition of your connection. Unless you practice headstands with it, if the excitement fades, it becomes at best a waste of time, and at worst, a slap in the face of your vulva.

Go ahead. Picture that for a minute. It’s hilarious.

Our bodies are unique, interesting, and complex. As a result, our orgasms are unique, interesting, and complex. A sharp clitoral buzz might consistently quickly get you off, but a climax born of g-spot stimulation is almost always deeper and more intense. Likewise, the sensation a large toy provides isn’t always better than that of a smaller toy, but it’s different. Sometimes I want Rafael, sometimes I wantRashad.

These days my toy chest is organized in tiers. Like a liquor shop, the best stuff is up top. That’s where I store SiriMio, and Maro, to name a few. The middle drawer houses second favorites and the bottom is stuffed with toys ranging from “you’re pretty cool” to last minute considerations for my casual cookout.

My bottom drawer does not gather dust.

If I were stranded on a deserted island and could only bring one toy, it would be myNjoy Pure Wand. That is neither a unique question nor a unique answer. I’ve heard other toy reviewers remark the same. While I’m sure my Pure Wand and I (and Epiphora if it were the same island) would fare just fine, it’s fortunate that we are not on a desert island. There are so many other toys to be had!

If you’re new to toys and unsure of where to start, please stop by Taboo or email me and let’s chat. If you already know what you like, consider trying something new. Whether it’s a product type you’ve never experienced or even one you’ve had limited success with in the past, a new toy is thrilling. The worst that can happen is a slap in the face of your vulva. The best is a deeper understanding of and more intense connection to your body and your sexuality. It doesn’t get much better than that.