Courage And Freedom
Courage seems to be the hardest feeling to attain. A few months ago I wrote about wanting to come out to my mother. It took me years to be at the point of wanting to tell her, and it has taken months since then to be able to actually get the courage to tell her. I have always known that my mother had an idea that I am a lesbian and I have also known that she would love me no matter what. Even so, everytime I went to open my mouth and tell her, my throat went dry and the words would escape me.
Last week I finally got the courage to do it. I could not put into spoken words everything I wanted to say. I put ink to paper and wrote a letter. I told her just about everything I have always wanted to say without going into excessive detail. It took all of my courage to get those words out on paper. I know that maybe it seems somewhat cowardly to use written words, however it was the only way to get everything I wanted to say out. Without interruptions and without tears. A letter gives the chance to sit down and take it in. They can re-read it a hundred times until it all sinks in.
As soon as the stamp was stuck, and the envelope sealed, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. For the first time I felt honest with everyone in my life about who I am. I grew up in a traditional family setting with a Catholic background. I never expected that this would be an easy thing to do.
My mother was quiet about the whole thing for a couple of days and we went from talking everyday to barely talking at all. I was so worried that the friendship that has grown with us over the years was ruined. Then she called me one afternoon and told me she had read my letter. I do not think I have ever been that silent. She then proceeded to tell me no matter what she will always love me. She said that she has known for a while and was just waiting for me to tell her.
The past couple of days she has asked questions here and there, and shown interest in getting to know my girlfriend. I am really proud of my mother for being so open-minded and accepting of something that she does not fully grasp. Today, she even called me to tell me that same sex marriage was legalized in Washington D.C. and that she hopes that I have not ruled out the idea of having a baby one day.
She then proceeded to tell me that there is just one thing she does not understand… “You have always been so femme and girlie, even as a kid… I guess even lesbians come in all types.” I was giggling that even my mother doesn’t get how someone that loves all the stereotypical “girl” things can be a lesbian. Which reminds me of why I began writing Lucy Lipstick in the first place, there are lots of us out there, and we just don’t scream LESBIAN when we enter a room.
Never underestimate the person that raised you. All along they could be missing things that they would have shared with you if you let them in. With time you become so aware of who you are that it is impossible to live in a shell any longer. The courage is hard to find, but if you can find it in your own voice or words, it is freedom.
Lucy Lipstick blogs about her experiences from a lesbian perspective Fridays on GayRVA.
Lucy Lipstick was once a single girl, living in Richmond. She found love, and could no longer write about the meeting and greeting of prospective dates. Now she is living life, and writing about the everyday things that occur in the life of a lipstick lady living in the RIC. E-mail Lucy at email@example.com.
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