At The Stroke Of Midnight
For most people, the worst part about returning to work after the holidays is the inevitable small talk they will have to experience with everybody from the coworkers to the guy washing his hands in the bathroom.
Every single person at work, especially the ones who show no interest in you on a daily basis suddenly have to know how your holidays went.
They all want to know what you got for Christmas, what kind of deals you got on the 26th and how many different sweaters your puppy wore on Christmas Eve.
And while you may be reluctant to tell them that your little sister got her first period (personal experience) or your mother burst into tears more than once for absolutely no reason, the conversation promises to be awkward regardless.
I’ve been fortunate enough to never have worked a normal 9-5 job, so the mindless chatter that goes on around the water cooler is a foreign concept to me. Personally, I can’t imagine having to face people I barely know and engage in conversation when our only thing in common is our line of work.
However from what I gather, when you return to work on January 2nd the conversational pieces you have to offer at the water cooler better be just as fresh as the water contained within it.
Using common sense, the biggest two topics at this cooler will be one of two things; either you’ll be discussing how many sequins you believe were on Michelle Obama’s New Year’s Dress, or you’ll be spilling the (hopefully) juicy details about the lips you joined forces with at the stroke of midnight just 36 hours prior.
If Michelle’s fashion comes up, I can’t be of assistance because unless you’re way too important to be reading this, you have no control over what the First Lady covers her sexual chocolate with to ring in 2012.
But the New Year’s kiss? Well, I can’t make any guarantees. But these five things could serve as a choose your own adventure book where the two outcomes see you either having a kiss to remember or getting labeled as the John Waters of the workplace. The choice is up to you.
1. Please avoid pick up lines
Unless you are spending New Year’s Eve at the bar of your local bowling alley, go ahead and assume that nobody is going to fall for the pick up line that you heard on the local radio morning show. Whether it’s a lady or a gent you’re after, chances are they probably don’t care how much a polar bear weighs. This is 2012. The bar tips you learned from a VJ on MTV in the late 1990′s aren’t going to fly anymore. Grab the bartender’s attention, order the apple of your eye a drink and at least make an attempt to be smooth. Even Urkel got the girl eventually.
2. How you dress is important
It’s one of the biggest drinking holidays of the year, which means everybody is going to want to look good in the first half of the evening so they can look halfway decent vomiting on themselves come last call. Take a few minutes and actually think about what you wear out, wherever you might go. If there’s a dress code, abide by it; under dressing for a New Year’s party will automatically eliminate you from the kissing consideration department.
If a dress code doesn’t exist, wear something a little nicer than you would normally wear on a Friday or Saturday night. Remember, if you’re single, the goal is to get kissed at midnight; not have everybody point out that you’re wearing pleated pants and a colored shirt. And of course, don’t forget the golden rule. When it comes to overdressed vs. under dressed, it is always better to dress the former. Let me know the last time you saw a photo of George Clooney wearing jeans and a polo shirt at an event in which he was trying to get laid and I will be sure to compliment you on your Photoshop skills.
3. Do something different
If you’re one of those obnoxious individuals who can’t ever make a plan, don’t just turn New Year’s Eve into another Friday or Saturday night of booze. Try something different. Make a reservation at a bar/club you’ve never been to but heard good things about. Have dinner somewhere new and attend a fancy house party. Go streaking down Cary Street with a bunch of close friends so Richmond can feast upon your frozen Kibbles and Bits. Shake things up; the party is (probably) going to be happening just about everywhere. You’ll get to kill two birds with one stone: get a new experience under your belt and get to surround yourself with people you hopefully haven’t slept with yet. Everybody wins.
4. Don’t be a pussy; make a move
New Year’s Eve is the only night of the year where having sex with somebody’s lips is not only desired, it’s expected. Anyone and everyone wants to have somebody to touch tongues with when the clock strikes 12. So if Cinderella o’clock approaches and your natural charm hasn’t won anybody over yet, start trying to lock eyes with others who are cruising in the same psuedo-awkward boat as you are. If you need a hint, they’ll be the ones looking around like they just accidentally urinated themselves at midnight. If all else fails, try to hit a home run. After all, what’s the worst that can happen? You might get thrown out of the club and/or arrested for sexual molestation? No big deal. The story will be a hit at post-holiday parties.
5. Don’t use tongue
I don’t care whether it’s your boyfriend since high school or a girl you met while doing lines in the bathroom; a midnight kiss to ring in the new year is still PDA. And when it comes to PDA, people are about as excited about watching two people go bowling for tonsils about as they are about tomorrow’s pending hangover. Shooting for a multi-second peck with some passion will work in your favor, while the open mouth saliva avalanche will send your partner running for the restroom quicker than you can say “I need a mint.” The last thing anybody wants is to remember their New Year’s kiss as feeling like their dog made out with them while they were sleeping. Keep it neat, keep it clean and don’t be sloppy. If you’re lucky, it might happen more than once.
Chad Brown is a straight male living in Richmond. He enjoys bourbon on the rocks and appreciates a firm ass. Male or female.
GayRVA.com brought in 2012 at Aloft Richmond West with live performances from Dead Fame and and midnight champagne kisses all around.January 2, 2012
- CAT Theatre announces open auditions for ‘Wishing Well’ by Jon Klein
- Huguenot Community Player’s “Sylvia” shows how man’s love for his dog can be taken the wrong way
- Diversity Richmond to offer $30,000 in grant funding to nonprofits and individuals
- RTP’s ‘Perfect Arrangement’ aims to make America gay again
- Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine makes unannounced stop at Orlando Pulse memorial