A Singles Guide to Valentine’s Day (Misery Edition)
Valentine’s day falls on a Friday this year which means all those punch-drunk-in-love, February-fourteenth-loving, being-a-couple-is-my-life assholes are going to be extra annoying by ruining Friday night for everyone. Wanna go out to eat with your friend? THINK AGAIN, LOSER, because everywhere decent is going to be booked solid with lovers “indulging.” (Oooh, appetizers and dessert! Look at you!)
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a Valentine’s Day Hater. You won’t find me listening to Elliott Smith all day. Shit, man, I’ve had good Valentine’s Days. Once a boyfriend and I ate sandwiches and he gave me a bag of chocolate and I knew I loved him right then and there. Another time, a boyfriend and I drank $3 pitchers at a bar and I knew that I, in fact, did not love him but I understood that he was essentially very fun and was good for certain things.
But I’ve never been “about” Valentine’s Day. In fact, I could care less about it. I just don’t want to see people enjoying it.
I’m one of those “romance makes me nervous” types. Tell me your feelings for me and I’ll cringe in torment and apprehension Give me something that “expresses how you feel because words can’t” or whatever and I’ll barf. All over you. But to each his own (I guess), and if you like Valentine’s Day and it makes you happy then go you (I guess)! Just be mindful that most every single person hates you because (1) you’re reminding them of their loneliness and (2) oh my god you and your public gushy shit are so vexing!!
And all this crap has to happen on a Friday this year. It’s a double blow for singles everywhere: you’re alone, and you’re alone on a party night! That’s the wackest thing ever! Fridays are for getting drunk with friends! Fuck this! I’m pissed! More exclamation points so you can see how pissed I am!!! Valentine’s Day should always be on a Tuesday. At least then I’d be able to sit in my apartment watching the X Files alone contently.
But this post isn’t about me, it’s about all the singles out there *cringe*. Here’s a list of shit to do on the night of the loving dread:
1. WRIR’s Black Valentine’s Day Three bands playing covers of “love gone wrong,” so the only couples you’ll see there are the cool/sad ones. And it’s free, so you can feel good about being frugal! Look at you: embracing your solo status and saving money! Just please don’t get drunk and cry about loneliness and what have you.
2. Throw a Damn Friends-Only Shindig. I love anti-parties. Is that what they’re called? You know, the too-big-to-be-a-chiller-but-
3. Go on an OkCupid date. I know literally nothing about Internet dating whatsoever, but I’ve heard that OkCupid is basically just a sex-with-strangers app, so go do that! Just meet up in public and be safe and use protection and whatnot. In the golden and eternal words of Peaches, fuck the pain away.
4. Grab a homie – preferably one who has drastically different taste in sex partners than you – go to the bar and flirt your ass off. There are plenty of fish in the sea and they’re probably all at the bar getting drunk and trollin’ for d/v, so go catch one of ‘em, you slinky jaguar, you! It’ll be extra easy on this fateful Friday, because even the most sullen of cynics wants to feel wanted on Valentine’s Day.
The key to bar-in’ it up is to shy away from romantic spots. Stick to the dive bars (we put out a pretty good list about a month ago). And bars where you can smoke inside. No candles. Do not go to a place that has candles. Candles attract relationshipey people and you don’t want to deal with that shit right now. You see a candle anywhere and you run, you hear me? Run. Mostly because it would be funny to see someone walk into a bar, scream “aahhh! Candles!” and book it.
5. Stay home, take a bubble bath and watch High Fidelity and/or Annie Hall in the dark while drinking red wine and eating an entire tube of cookie dough, because you’re not over it and you just can’t bear the thought of seeing happy lovebirds right now. And if you’re still in “what went wrong, sob sob, weep weep, poor me” mode, do yourself (and everyone else) a favor and stay in. Because you’ll probably cry after two drinks, and no one wants to hear your sob story about tainted love or whatever. You’re not special, we’ve all been there and it sucks. So just keep it to yourself, ok? At least for tonight.
6. Call your mom and tell her you love her. If you don’t like your mom, call someone you do love and tell them, because Valentine’s Day isn’t reserved for romance, goddamn it! And you need an excuse to express your feelings because you’re bashful.
7. Don’t take advice from strangers and do whatever you want. You don’t know me, I don’t know you! I could be steering you in the complete wrong direction. You want to go eat at Lemaire by yourself? Fine by me, weirdo. Do you, man, just do you.
Whatever you decide to do on the 14th, get your ass to the store on the 15th and load up on post-Valentine’s-Day-markdown chocolate. Because that shit rules.
How is our robot a fit gift for Valentine’s Day? For one thing, it frees up some together time.February 10, 2017
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