Queer Eye From The Straight Guy: Don’t Be a Halloweenie
Growing up, Halloween was all about the candy. Sure, it was cool to put on that costume you found on the ground in aisle 7 of Wal-Mart for an entire evening, but the real focus was on the sugar. Because for most of us, the final day of October was the only day of the year that we were ever presented with the opportunity to even lay eyes on flavored tootsie rolls, much less find out how many we could shove in our mouth before exploding.
And once the trick or treating was completed and our parents thought the evening had finally come to a close, the operation of figuring out how to get as much candy up to our room as possible immediately began.
On paper, putting on a ridiculously themed outfit and knocking on strangers doors in hopes they would greet you with various miniature pieces of candy seems slightly assanine. However, to anybody under the age of 15, it is easily one of the holidays we looked forward to the most.
Unfortunately, something dies when you get older.
I’m not sure exactly when it occurs, but at some point Halloween suddenly goes from a juvenile excuse to show off your sugar metabolism to an equally as juvenile excuse to show off how well you know the phrase “one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
For just about any 20-something who isn’t aspiring to be the next member of Congress, Halloween and the days surrounding it reign supreme as some of the biggest (and often, best) party days that any year has to offer. Because while New Year’s Eve might help us ring in a brand new year full of new chances and opportunities, Halloween allows us to get together with our closest friends in inappropriate outfits and drink liquor like prohibition was repealed yesterday. The comparison is like bringing a knife to a gun fight.
Or more appropriately in this case, like bringing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade to a keg party.
Chances are, your Facebook inbox is likely so full of Halloween-themed invites, you are starting to feel like Regina George. In fact, one of the more difficult aspects of the holiday is deciding which parties to attend, which ones to make an appearance at and which ones to skip altogether.
But as any good plastic knows, you can’t leave the house for any Halloween party without a costume that is going to make Aaron Samuels feel like his jungle juice was spiked with Viagra.
And among all the hoopla, we have finally found ourselves a problem.
Taking the time to either purchase or better yet, create a suitable Halloween costume is often a challenge for even the biggest Halloween enthusiast. If you wear something unoriginal, you won’t get a second glance. If you wear something too obscure, you’ll have skinny hipsters biting at your ankles. And if you take the easy way out and leave the house in a toga you will find yourself starring in the opening sequence of an episode of Law and Order: SVU.
In an effort to avoid having the gay-o-meter explode when you prance into Godfrey’s this weekend, here are a few costumes you might want to stray away from:
- Lady Gaga - Sure, she might be the voice of alternative lifestyles across the world and the one who helped you realize that you were born this way. And yes, she might be the Madonna of this generation. But just because you get the milk for free doesn’t mean you need to look like an idiot while you drink it. Choosing to go as either Gaga herself or an imitation of one of her infamous outfits will all but guarantee that you’ll wake up in the fetal position grasping a Parliament in one hand and an empty martini glass in the other.
- Any cast member from the TV show Glee - The costume equivalent of a handjob. If you choose to do it, that is your choice. Just don’t look me in the eyes.
- A ‘sexy’ [noun] – A popular one with the gay fellas out there. Guys, let me tell you something. I might be straight and I may not know my way around a glory hole, but I can tell you this – walking into a party as a ‘sexy’ construction worker wearing a loin cloth and a hard hat does not make anybody want to take you home. It makes you a member of the Village People. So you’re better off just being honest with yourself and calling a spade a spade. Your peers will respect you much more. And people that are respected? You got it. Get laid.
- (Most) Recent Pop Culture References – Unless your pop culture costume is classic, original and executed with near perfection, you want to steer clear. This means if you were planning on walking around with a painted face and a bottle of pills calling yourself a zombie Amy Winehouse, you may want to rely on plan B. Because that’s what you do when you’re trying to stay in character.
- A witty play on words - Trust me on this one. Costumes like “iron and wine,” “bruised and broken” and other mentally clever items of wordplay sound good in your head, but fail as tangible costumes. One year I was celebrating at a foreign college and lacking a costume, decided to wear nothing but an empty cereal box. I told everybody I was a “well-balanced breakfast.” When I first came up with the idea and even in the first few moments I had it on my body, I thought this would be a sorority girl goldmine. Looking back, I realize that a naked guy wearing a box of Cocoa Puffs around his waist is a great way to let an entire party know that being an asexual asshole isn’t so bad after all.
Whatever you do for Halloween, just make sure you have a good time and don’t drive under the influence. Because no matter how great you think your costume is, it’s not going to be nearly as impressive if you wake up in jail.
Chad Brown is a straight male living in Richmond. He enjoys bourbon on the rocks and appreciates a firm ass. Male or female.
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