Queer Eye From A Straight Guy – The Martini
Let’s be clear on one thing before this ball gets rolling. In my day, I have consumed a lot of beverages that were doused with all types of alcohol. I’ve had drinks with too much, too little, straight up, straight from the bottle, on the rocks, from a flask, and even from the barrel of a large water gun. The latter item on this list made me realize that my gag reflex not only works, but can be triggered quite easily.
However, I have never had a martini in my entire life.
I don’t have any excuses for what most consider a pretty shocking revelation. By the time you’re able to legally rent a car, most people have sucked down an appletini or two in their day and lived to tell about it. It might be the fact that when going out with the guys, ordering a cocktail that includes “apple pucker” as an ingredient and comes in a container that looks like a glass vagina isn’t the manliest thing you can do at a bar. A straight guy will use any excuse he can get his beer-stained fingers on to make fun of his fellow man; either to come across as a comedian or to make himself feel better, depending on the day. Ordering anything ending in “tini” would almost certainly bring out the verbal fists of fury and the homophobic slurs that normally aren’t far behind.
Which is why when I found out about “3 dollar martini night,” I made sure I conquered it with anyone but “the guys.”
For those of you who are either uninformed or don’t keep up with bar specials as if they were a new episode of Glee, Barcode dedicates 4 hours every Thursday evening to getting the gay community drunk on everything tini. Viewing this as a chance to lose my marginity and explore a new gay bar at the same time, I jumped at the opportunity.
Ordering a martini for the first time reminded me of my first trip to the sex shop; everyone around me knows exactly what they need while I have a desire that I’m not quite sure how to take care of. A menu containing what seems like an endless list of possibilities is placed in front of me; most of which contain ingredients I don’t recognize because they don’t contain the word “whiskey.” Feeling overwhelmed, I pick the manliest drink available to me, which in this case was the “mantini.” I’m sure the gods of convenience were smiling as my bright pink drink was delivered in a tall glass with a ripe piece of heterosexual fruit floating near the edge.
As I sipped on the pink liquid concoction sitting in front of me, I came to the sudden realization that a martini is nothing more than a shooter that has been dressed up in its Sunday’s best to grab the attention of women who can’t handle straight liquor and can’t stand beer breath. If you took your average martini, removed the fruit companion and poured the contents into a shot glass, it would take on a whole new appeal to an audience outside of those who actually saw the second Sex and the City movie. This realization hit me suddenly and without notice; much like the previously mentioned mantini, which was living up to its name by making me look like a bitch.
While it will certainly not become my drink of choice, I was pleasantly surprised by how tasty some of the martinis I consumed were, despite their dressed up exterior and unfamiliar ingredients. And that glass that resembled feminine reproductive organs? Well, I saw the bottom a few more times than myself or my ability to complete sentences anticipated. By the end of the night, I certainly wasn’t joining the group of homosexual men performing a dance routine to “Alejandro” in the middle of the bar.
But I wouldn’t have minded it, either.
Chad Brown is a straight male living in Richmond. He enjoys bourbon on the rocks and appreciates a firm ass. Male or female.
Play some fun games and lets all Level Up together!February 27, 2017
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