A Straight Guy On Grindr, Part I
Over the course of my adult life, I have found myself confused with certain aspects of gay culture. Over time, I have grown to accept the fact that no matter how much time I spend in gay-themed bars and attending gay-themed events, there will be a few things that I will just never understand. And when I’m being frank, I suppose I don’t really need to grasp why wearing fur is acceptable, when to drop it like it’s hot, or why you enjoy drinks with more fruit on the bottom than the average cup of Yoplait.
These things do not alter my opinion on the gay community. I love you all the same. It simply makes me wonder if my inability to comprehend them means I have bad fashion sense, horrible drinking habits or a little bit of both.
And while I may be in the dark about your jean shorts and dance moves, there is at least one element that I do not have to worry about becoming inconsistent anytime soon.
The gays like to get laid. Whether you’re after the meat stick or the vaj, you love to stick it in and have it stuck. Early and often.
Which is why when I was asked to review an iPhone app geared towards the gays love for a good old fashioned hot beef injection, I was one-third intrigued and two-thirds legitimately frightened.
And when I say “frightened,” I don’t mean the feeling you get when you know you’re about to experience your first salty surprise. I’m talking about the kind of fear one might experience if they were to grab their ankles without any special sauce nearby.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world of Grindr.
For most of you, Grindr needs no introduction. Unless you found your true sexuality under the Christmas tree a few weeks ago, you’ve either used Grindr or know somebody that has. In fact, I’m sure some of you haven’t even gotten through this column without either checking the website or responding to a message that you recently received.
To put it lightly, Grindr is a geo-locating Facebook for gay men. That is, if Facebook were a sexual sandbox and users could build castles until their private parts fell off. And with over 2 million users in 192 countries all around the world (as over June 2011), this imaginary sandbox is easily the most popular item on the gay playground.
Available for iPhone, iPad, iPod touch, Android and even Blackberry devices – thanks to geolocation technology and the 45,000 people using the application at any given second, locating the nearest twink that’s DTF is always just a few clicks away.
Part of the Grindr’s massive success lies in the easy of the sign up process. Instead of a lengthy questionnaire that includes asking for your social security number and diameter of your cervix, Grindr keeps things simple easy. It took me all of three minutes to set up my profile.
Before I knew it, I was staring at a checker board of unfamiliar men and their various exposed body parts (Note though – you have to keep it clean because of Apple’s Terms of Service).
My first instinct was to sit back and let those around me (Grindr shows the 20 users geographically closest to your location) initiate the conversation. Ten minutes passed and before long, I began to second guess the gay community. Maybe the horn dog stereotype and stories you read about unwanted advances were all myth. Maybe they were all talk. Maybe the gays weren’t the hunters that I expected them to be.
Or maybe they just won’t waste their time on you unless you have a profile picture.
Within minutes of adding a myspace-esque photo to my profile, the chats were coming faster than Jerry Sandusky at a PeeWee football game. It was like that scene in The Lion King where Scar drops the beef leg into a pile of the three hyenas who haven’t gorged in days.
It wasn’t until that beef leg was dropped and the hyenas started furiously feasting that I realized I was possibly in over my head. That perhaps I had unleashed a fury of horny twenty somethings that I was not ready to even pretend to accommodate. That maybe the wildebeast stampede had begun.
And Simba simply wasn’t ready.
(Part II of this feature will document my first 48 hours using the Grindr app and my interactions as a straight male, complete with screen captures. You didn’t really think I would deny you screen captures, did you? Get real.)
Chad Brown is a straight male living in Richmond. He enjoys bourbon on the rocks and appreciates a firm ass. Male or female.
He was beaten nonstop for an entire hour and suffered a bruised diaphragm as a result.March 4, 2016
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